do you know me?

do you know i have a scar on the back of my left thigh from being nine and too excited to wait for julie's pekingese puppies to come to the wire fence, so i climbed over and gashed my leg - but i touched the puppies before i bled all the way home? do you know i used to stay awake at night so scared of the dark i would break into a full sweat because the cover was tucked around my neck to keep out vampires and stabbing knives and moving it even one inch would have left me unprotected? do you know my first kiss on the lips was from shane paulette in our backyard when i was thirteen and kathy and paul let me play spin-the-bottle with them - and shane was a goofy curly haired kid who stared at me all the time and made me feel beautiful even though i was only in junior high and he was in high school? do you know when i was a preteen and i had no money or nail polish remover i used a little knife to scrape off the polish and sometimes i cut into my nails by accident? do you know i can't even see how brown-speckled my arms are becoming from too much sun unless i look at them with my reading glasses - and then i am shocked and a little bit glad i can't see so well? do you know when elizabeth was only a couple of months old i took her to the mall with ruth falvey and put her car seat in the front passenger seat because that's what the experts said to do then - and when we got to the mall and i started to unhook her i realized i had never belted her in and i thought i might die because of what might have happened? do you know i was the only girl who worked in the t-shirt shack in the mall where i met my college boyfriend steve - and i printed dirty slogans on t-shirts even though i had no idea what they meant - and my favorite outfit was a black t-shirt maxi-dress i wore without a bra - and i looked really good in it (i think i was wearing it when i met steve)? do you know i threw very hot coffee in steve's face at the diner in the mall because when i went on christmas eve with his present in my hand he was there with another girl - and i agreed to marry him when i was twenty-one but before he gave me the engagement ring he bought on layaway we broke up because he lied and cheated and took a lot of drugs? do you know in college i had crushes on my professors because i really wanted a boyfriend who was at least as smart as me and that was hard to find at lambuth college? do you know i had a long haired cat named addison who peed on the floor a lot - and that was ok when i lived in my apartment but not so great when i moved back into mom and dad's house and addison was not allowed out of my room? and do you know i gave him to a friend before i moved to new jersey because it might have been a deal breaker to bring a peeing cat to live with jim - but i made my mom give him to the friend because i was ashamed to give up on a pet i chose? do you know i was in love with elvis presley when i was a little girl and when no one was looking i would kiss the television if his movie was on? do you know when i was in fifth grade i only had one friend named pam and when she was absent i had no one to play with at recess so i would pretend the first graders needed my help getting on and off the slide so i wasn't alone - and on my birthday that year i had a sleepover at her house but i had to leave early after my uncle's house was blown away in a tornado and we all had to go to join the sadness? do you know i stopped on main street in mendham one day after church and picked up a cat dying in the middle of the road after a hit and run and when i saw him lift his tail i knew i had to at least pick him up and let him die warm and loved and wrapped in my jacket that i never wore again? do you know i fell in love with my mentor in my last college internship and almost married him even though he was nineteen and a half years older than me and i was only a couple of years older than his daughter? and do you know we probably would have gotten married except that he didn't want more children and i couldn't - wouldn't ever ever give up having children for anybody? and when we split up for good, i didn't give back the ring because i thought he put me through so much i just sold it instead? do you know i found a two inch baby mouse in the garage on elizabeth's birthday and spent the whole day taking care of it when i should have been getting ready for her party - and then i checked on the mouse during the party and it was dead? do you know i have to pluck whiskers from my chin because a woman in her 40's has crazy things happening to her body and she just has to deal with it? do you know my sister and i made a pact to never let each other's whiskers grow - so if we are too old or in a coma we will pluck each other's whiskers? and do you know sometimes i want to set all my pets free and move somewhere they can't find me so i won't have to clean any more cat vomit and dog drool and hair everywhere? do you know i dream of living in an ancient little house in tuscany and growing grapes and olive trees so i can make my own wine and press fresh olive oil to dip the bread i bake in the outdoor oven - and go to the market every day and linger over cappuccino in the same little pastry shop each morning where i am more like family than a customer? do you know my back always hurts - when i am asleep and awake - and sometimes i want to say i hurt and can't do it any more but then i take a deep breath and do it anyway? do you know i should have been a poet or an english professor who only teaches classes on letting the pen follow the mind until the soul flows onto the paper like water over the dam? do you know i can more easily relate to my children's dreams of hippie freedom than my husband's rigid business mind? do you know i get stressed when the pillows and throws are all heaped on the couch because it feels like chaos and i can't rest till i get it in order? do you know sometimes i want to be a cat and sleep until i am hungry and then get up and take a walk outside and go back to sleep? do you know how often i have wished i had no obligations to anyone so i could be a gypsy - allowing myself to be carried by the wind - no accountability at all - seeing and hearing every nuance of this world and my life? do you know after i am away from home even for a day i crave my candlelit fireplace and the cat in my lap and the soft snoring of the responsibilities i love so dearly?