i awoke with words spilling from my mind - dropping onto my pillow and down the shower drain. i couldn't stop long enough to catch them before they sailed away on the little boat down the blue and rocky stream. i wanted to get to meditation on time - finish the shower - make the bed - start the laundry - so i could go back and capture the words i lost in the routine. i want to break free and throw it all down when the words begin to spill - channel each syllable onto my paper like children put to bed and tucked in. the words overflow because the life hasn't been fully lived - the feelings not fully felt - so they are buried deep - sealed tightly - protected from spoilage. now they are finding a voice - rising to the surface - long forgotten memories as clear as the coffee cup in front of me. whole scenarios remembered and felt as if they happened yesterday or in last night's dreams. why do i only remember summer from my childhood? rarely do thoughts of winter and darkness and fear arise, though they were real and present in my little girl years. is a memory hidden - veiled behind the idyllic summertime recollections of childhood that may only be dreams? perhaps not - perhaps i am not ready to be broken open - piercing shards too embedded to break free. i will not force them. my dreams have stopped in taos and i wonder if it is because i am writing them all down on paper with my little red pen and now they are my reality. i wonder if someday the nightmares will come and i will not sleep and the shards will come out bloody and dripping - words spilling over and leaking down my chin - dropping off my fingertips and puddling around me like i'm melting.